I come with a disclaimer:

You were here. It was great.
Then you left. You didn't even say goodbye.

I called.
Something about Amanda.

I cried. I said "You just left? Without saying goodbye?"
I cried. I cried and you said "So, can't we just be friends?"
I gasped. I cried and I said "Fine, you want to know everything? I'm going to tell you everything."

Then I started to spill my soul all over my front yard. I yelled and cried into the phone.
I was just about to get to the soul-wrenching part.
I woke up.

Perhaps Freud would tell me I needed closure.
But my conscious mind wasn't quite ready for it.

Well, fuck my conscious mind. I'm going to do this myself.
It's obvious that the universe is telling me what I need to do, now I just need to do it.

I wish I could turn this into a novel. Maybe I could become a best seller.

I dream that I'm brave enough.
Or maybe just stupid enough.
To bare my soul and say things out loud.

I dream it goes well.
That I don't look insane.
Or selfish.
Or naive.

It stays in my dreams.

Loathes:
- This funk I've been in. This overworked, understimulated, not-enough-time funk I've been in.

That's basically it...

Loves:
- I'm pretty sure I'm going to be in DC this weekend.
  I'm pretty sure this is going to help my funk a bit.

Oh, I love southern vampires too.

Reasons Christina hates weddings with a passion:

No.1 - She is not even CLOSE to planning one. Not even dating the man, let alone a man.

No. 2 - Awkward hugs. (Tonight it was the bride's mother. I am not a fan of hers, she came in for a hug, so I had to hug her. It was totally weird.)

No. 3 - THERE ARE FUCKING HAPPY COUPLES EVERYWHERE. (*ahem* apparently no single men ever attend weddings. ever.)

Tonight specific reasons:

No. 1 - I knew a total of two people there who were my age, minus the bride and groom. (Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for this... I sat with them. You'll see why they were so helpful in No. 2)

No. 2 - Remember the guy who I recently discussed regarding the inability to kiss? Ok, he was in the party. He brought a date. She was seated next to me. WHY would this happen? She looks at me and asks how I knew him, I said "Same way M knows him, from high school." She said were you two close? I tried not to look too caught off guard/awkward as I said something about not being too close... we just hung out a lot during this one study hall in HS... played hangman with a group of people.

I wanted to ask him if he has any idea how to use his tongue now, but I thought it best not to cause drama at a wedding.

No. 3 - Have I mentioned there are no available men everywhere. That whole "Oh, maybe you'll meet someone there" line that everyone (EVERYONE) fed me is a big load of bull shit. K. Thanks.

No. 4 - That $100 a plate food? It sucked. REALLY. Shrimp scampi does not equal oiled noodles with shrimp on top. It generally has flavor. Like, garlic. Like the stuff that cost me $8 the other night at the little Italian restaurant. That is scampi. I ate ramen noodles sans flavoring and peeled shrimp. If I am going to be miserable and alone, I would at least like the food to be good. It is really all I have anymore.

I'm pretty sure that I am the most bitter person alive right now. At least the most bitter person alive in smalltown.
I'm not going to any more weddings. (An exception being my sister's, of course, when it happens before mine.)

I just want to cuss and maybe cry a little because I can. I'm frustrated and about thisclose to joining a convent and giving up on my dream of actually having a best friend/lover/partner in crime. I'm thisclose to saying "Why bother?"

... Ugh. I'll feel better in the morning. Screw it. Whatever.

I'm long overdue for a gratitude post, I'm aware. This blog has become the place where I purge all my negative emotions.

Here, one thing to be thankful for? M and his girlfriend were there. They are both super cool people. I don't hang out with them a whole lot. I should. I will have to more often.

I've been trying to figure out a managable budget. I've come to the conclusion that I need to make more money... Somehow. It doesn't seem I can live on my own otherwise.

If I could find a roommate then it might be more doable... But I live in a town that most people run away from.

At this point, I can't say I blame them.

Also, I'm still hungry but I want to stop eating so much (to prepare me for the starving days ahead). AND I happen to be hating today.

Ok, my bitchfest's over. I apologize for the negativity. I'll do a gratitude post tonight to balance it.
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Loathe:
Going to the gym in the evening. I feel so tired. Then I come home and I can't wind down. So I'm exhausted, but that doesn't matter anymore.

I'm cleaning tomorrow. My mom took off to help. We're going to clean the living room first.

I have to take proof into the school to show that I paid the stupid occupational taxes. The tax place (Berkheimer, I believe it was) told them I did not pay. I have canceled checks and records, bitches. But this makes me wonder, who else thinks I did not pay my taxes and do they matter?

I have a headache. One that may turn into a pounding headache. This means that after I am done typing this entry, I should probably turn off my light and close my eyes.

There's a ghost in our house. My sister saw it with her own two eyes. She looked like... she just saw a ghost.

Love:
Being clean at the end of the day.

Fruit snacks.

Balancing.

Seeing some of my favorite old men. (Seriously, seeing the couriers for the bank is just about the highlight of most of my days. The ex-courier stopped in today. Him and BC#2 would pick on me when they got together.)

Sleep. Because eventually it will come and it will make me relaxed and more awake... eventually.

Loathe:
- people crapping out on me
- being uncertain
- not knowing what to do about vacation time
- feeling like ass

Love:
+ cherry, frosted pop tarts
+ frosted flakes
+ all things sugar
+ not feeling like death

Now... the game plan.

I got a Yoga Journal email about inversions today. It reminded me that I haven't done yoga in, like, forever.
So... I'm going to do yoga tomorrow. It's been so long.

If I can manage to get up at a decent time, I'll do a full hour routine (it seems to be gentler than the 30 minute routine... and my head's so stuffy that gentler's probably better). If I don't have a lot of time... I'll suffer through the 30 minute thing.

I should also try to do that v-shaped pilates thing that works your core so much. The one where you pump your arms up and down while the rest of your body forms a "v." Yeah... I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about. (?)

You see... this really is about equality for all human beings.

Not too long ago, a white man couldn't marry a non-white woman (or vice-versa).
The judicial system had to step in and take a stand... they should have done the same today.

In my mind, there is no difference between civil rights based on race and civil rights based on sexual orientation.
To deny a person [consenting adult] the right to marry the one they love [another consenting adult] is unfair.

Legally speaking, there are no reasons for marriage to be defined as anything other than an agreement between two consenting adults.

Married couples have a "next-of-kin" status in the hospitals. They can file taxes jointly. They can receive Social Security payments when one spouse dies. They have bereavement time if their spouse dies. Same sex couples cannot have these same rights.

You can state a personal belief against it based on your faith, but [and this is something that makes America great and interesting] not everyone in this country shares your faith, that's why there's a separation of church affairs and state affairs.

Emotionally speaking, I am a believer in love.
And if you're lucky enough to be able to find a love, a companionship, that fulfills you and makes you stronger and happier... you should be able to live that love regardless of your sexuality.

If marrying makes a couple feel more complete and more secure... who would I be to deny that to them?

19 photos... Takes me up to June 7th.

Yellow Brick Dreams

Black Sheep

Devour

Sun Rainbow

C is a star

1 - I have a bunch of hits on this site from Saudi Arabia. I'm not sure what I could possibly be writing that would be so completely interesting, but there are a ton... So, I'm asking. Saudi readers, who are you and what are you looking at so intensely?

Yeah, I just found it odd and interesting. Maybe I'm missing something here, my Vox is relatively dull.

2 - Why are guys so strange?

3 - Why do they think girls are the strange ones?

4 - Why don't they smile more?

Ok, now for the loathes:
1 - Being a single girl. Especially a single girl who gets along well with guys. Especially when the guy has a girlfriend. Since when is it ok for a man to be pussy-whipped? I just want to hang out... I don't want to ride you until the cows come home. Your penis shall remain safely outside any of my orifices, promise.

2 - Being single.

3 - Credit card debt. I need to write out a check tomorrow. I want to get some of this shit paid down before I attempt apartment hunting.

4 - Damp hair.

5 - The fact that I'm already SUPER tired, but I am hoping that Justin will call me after he gets off work... which won't be until after 10 sometime, I believe. I need to make arrangements for lunch tomorrow. I told him I missed his face. He told me "I miss you too, kid."

I responded, "Awww. Don't call me kid."

And the loves:
1 - Sleeping in. I'll be doing this tomorrow, thank you very much.

2 - The girls I work with. I was a little worried at first, but they're so much fun! Thank god. I knew they were nice and I knew I could work with them... but now I know they're almost as fantastic as the rest of my bank family! :)

3 - I really want to try and set something up with my Bank E family... for drinks or mini-golf or something. I especially miss Beth. She texted me earlier today because she was beeping at me and I didn't realize it. Haha.

4 - Calling a man's masculinity into question. There is nothing I like more than pointing out to a man when he's pussy-whipped. I'm a little evil like that. Muahahaha.

I should probably take some photos tomorrow. I'm due for more because it's May 20th. Oopsie!